The Time I Gave Up and Got Drugs

After seeing my doctor two weeks ago and deciding to go the diagnosis-first route, I was expecting a callback within a couple of days to let me know when my psychiatrist appointment would be. Last year when I was referred to a sinus specialist I got the call for the appointment a couple of days after I saw my doc, with the appointment being a week or two after that.

I called the office back after not hearing anything for a week and was told that I won't get the appointment time and date for probably another month. Then the appointment will be for minimum one month after that, but more likely two. Apparently shrinks are in much higher demand than ear, nose & throat docs.

Three months.

That's a long time.

I've been trying a handful of things to stay focused and try to fix this feeling of never being able to accomplish anything. I've been skipping out on yoga because other things have gotten in the way, but I'm going back tonight. I've been attempting meditation, and while I can mostly/somewhat/kind of calm my brain when that's my focus, it doesn't change that I go right back to Miss Scatterbrain the second I go back to non-om life. And since I know that part of this is bad habit, I've been actively trying to align my awareness (for lack of a non-douchey way of saying that), and forcing myself to stop and think and prioritize before throwing myself at something else.

But it's not really working. I'm still feeling like I can't do anything right, or on time, or at all. Like just now, when I realized that my salmon burger was (over)done because I could smell the smoke. I'm less than ten feet from the stove. What the fuck.

Or this morning when I was happy with myself that I got up and headed straight to the gym, and even remembered to grab my waterbottle that I'd removed from my gym bag. But then I got to the gym and realized that I'd forgotten my sports bra and to eat breakfast. So in an unsupported, low-blood-sugar state I drove myself home.

I can't figure out why regular day-to-day tasks are such a challenge for me. I have trouble with things that I do every single day. I make eleven trips up and down the stairs when I'm getting ready to head out because my brain cannot think clothes-perfume-deodorant-purse-cellphone all at once, and instead thinks of one more thing each time I start putting on my shoes. I forgot to turn off the oven on Friday when I was baking, and thankfully remembered half an hour later. A neighbour had to tell me that I left the lights on in my car. Even driving's becoming difficult, and I'm finding myself way less attentive than before. I used to be better at this.

So after some internal debate, I called back to my doc's office and made an appointment for today. Which I was late for. Surprise surprise.

Sommi is a good doctor. He cares about you as a person, not just you as a patient, and he's not very pro-drugs the way some doctors are. He'll give you a referral or write you a prescription whenever you need it, but he'll recommend self-help books and specialists and neti-pots and meditation and anything else he thinks might be a better route than immediately prescribing drugs.

I went in today, and told him that while I still want to see a psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis (which he backed 100%), I think I'd like to try something in the interim. Sommi was happy with this plan, because if he prescribes something and it works, then our suspicions are confirmed. If it doesn't work, then we're back at square one with no risks or damage and one thing crossed off the list. He was also happy that it was my idea to try something, not his, because he likes it when patients make their own mind up about trying a med. (Good thing I don't have a penchant for pharmaceuticals, as that would be quite the enabling statement.)

So for the next two weeks, beginning today, I'm taking 18mg of Concerta. Sommi said he's been really happy with the results he's seen in patients to whom he's prescribed it, and would take it himself if he decided to treat the ADD that he suspects he has. Within a week I should notice a difference in focus, and after I'm to see him again to let him know if it's working or not. He's also given me a prescription for another two weeks' worth of 27mg, in case I feel like it's working a little and want to test the waters on a slightly beefier dose (and in case I can't get in to see him right away).

I don't like that this is where I'm at. I hate that this is where I'm at. I feel like I'm failing horribly, and disappointing everyone around me. But something needs to change, and while all this is still new, it already feels like this is a last resort. It's not cheap either, at $41 for 14 doses, and especially on my unemployed budget, but I need to get this sorted. I need this to be fixed. And soon.

Fingers crossed.