Dad, on Eggs (and Ex-Boyfriends)

[Necessary background information: Richie is my ex-boyfriend. Dad did not think much of him.]

 

Dad, filling up the beer fridge:

 

"The eggs are in the way." 

 

"So take them out. Eggs don't need to be in the fridge." 

 

"What? No, they'll go bad. They come out of a hot hen, and then they either turn into a chick or they go in the fridge." 

 

"Think about it though: that chick lives off the yolk for a month and it doesn't go bad. They don't need to be in the fridge. Richie's family had chickens and they never put their eggs in the fridge." 

 

"Yeah but look at what happened to him."

Life and Stuff!

I'm somewhere in week three of Concerta, and week 500 (or so it feels) of job hunting. Concerta's been helping a lot. I don't even know where to begin; I feel calmer and more clear-headed and far more productive. Little things aren't bothering me like they used to, and if I stay on top of taking it early (like 7am) it doesn't affect my sleep schedule.

When I last saw Sommi he confirmed that it doesn't have rollover effects, and that I can skip it on days that I don't need it. Since I don't mind being a scatterbrain when it's a weekend and it doesn't matter if I get everything done on a certain schedule (And since they're over $3/pop. That adds up fast when you're living on a dwindling savings account and EI hasn't kicked in yet.), I skipped them Saturday and Sunday of last weekend.

I also know that dependency is a threat, and the biggest issue is that things that formerly were pleasurable or exciting won't be that way sans drugs. I was at the Lions game on Sunday, and there was no shortage of cheer or excitement in this girl, so I'm fine so far. I think/hope.

But last Monday and Tuesday were horrible. I felt completely stressed out and disorganized, and it culminated with an awful night at the clinic Tuesday evening. I don't know if it was related to taking the weekend off of Concerta, but for now I'm going to stick with taking it daily for a few weeks before trying a couple days off again. I'm also on a temporary leave of sorts from the clinic for a few weeks. Two hours of volunteering shouldn't be the most stressful part of my week, and some things need to get fixed there before I return.

One of the weird things I've noticed is that I sing or hum all the time. I always sing a lot, like in the car or in the shower, and I often hum when I'm stressed. But this is like all day long every day. Did I always do this and never notice? Or is this new? I have no idea.

Job hunting... well, nothing yet. Still frustrated at the lack of responses (and interviews, and offers), but it's a tough market right now and there's nothing I can do but keep trudging on. I'm investigating a couple of different school options so that I have a backup plan if September rolls around and I still haven't found any sort of meaningful work.

I really want to be working though; I need to put this education to use. I also desperately need a new(er) car, and I need to get out of mom and dad's house and hair. While education is something worth going into debt for, I'd rather it be something I choose to do, rather than feel that I'm forced into doing it because my current education isn't netting me any gigs.

I turn 25 on Sunday. Part of me is excited because hey, birthdays are cool, and I've got an away Lions game and a Rihanna concert to keep me entertained. I keep wanting to freak out because "25" makes me think things like "boyfriend" and "moved out" and "career" and I don't have any of those things happening in my life. When I look at my friends and what they've got going on, all those things are in there and more, like marriage and dogs and car payments.

But I have to remember what I do have going on for me as 25 approaches. I've got 15 countries under my belt, six of which were on a long solo trip. While it's no doctorate, I do have a respectable education from a reputable college, and a bucketload of useful experience to go with it. I've got a good family (that loves me despite all my flaws), incredible friends that I can always depend on, and it's summertime and football season. Really? Life isn't all that bad.

Will Work For Cardboard Box

I am so sick of jobhunting. Or moreso, I'm so sick of not getting responses. If I were at least getting to the interview stage, or even just a response, I'd be so much more positive about this. But no replies whatsoever? Absolutely frustrating.

I'm probably also a little jaded, because when I was at Resilience, Ella and I replied to everyone. It takes 30 seconds to fire off a canned "sorry, you haven't made it to our interview round" email, and then the people that took the time to apply for our jobs at least knew that their email was received and reviewed. Then, for those that replied and asked why we didn't want to meet with them, we gladly took the time to let them know what it was about their application that prevented them from being interview-worthy.

On Monday of last week something right up my alley showed up in the Writers/Editors section of Craigslist:

Editor/Office Asst (Burnaby)
Health care company looking for a full time Editor/Office Assistant. Mon-Fri, 8am- 4pm. Primary responsibity is to edit therapists' assessment reports . In addition there may be some opportunities for writing health related articles. Helping with phone, scheduling and misc tasks will also be required. The ideal candidate must have an excellent command of the English language both verbal and written, be very focused, detail oriented, efficient, have initiative, and a team player. English degree an asset. Understanding of medical terminology helpful. Please include hourly wage expectation in your cover letter.

    * Location: Burnaby
    * Compensation: depending on experience
    * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
    * Please, no phone calls about this job!
    * Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

So between my penchant for editing, my Certificate of Technical Writing (not an English degree but a worthy substitute given the position), and my job history working at a company that makes software for doctors and residents, I think I should have been a shoo-in for an interview.

But that dreaded last line: Please include hourly wage expectation in your cover letter.

I hate that. I absolutely completely hate when employers don't post what they're offering for the job, and moreso when they want you to tell them what you think it's worth. It's rude and a waste of people's time to not say what you want to pay. If it's $12 an hour, I wouldn't have bothered applying. If it's $40 an hour, I'm severely under-qualified and I'll let someone with ten years of experience step up as clearly that's what you're asking for. At least post a freaking wage range.

Come Friday I haven't heard anything, so I sent an inquiry email. I got a reply this morning:

interviewing this week. Your salary expectation is hire than what we are offering

I'm going to ignore that she misspelled "higher" as "hire."

ARGH. I'd hope that if what I put for an hourly wage ($20/hour, which isn't unreasonable) was only one or two dollars an hour higher than what they wanted to pay, they'd at least have the decency to reply with an option to negotiate. But because her response seemed to imply that I'd been written off entirely due to my astronomical asking price, I'd guess that they're hoping to find someone to do this for $14/hour or less.

I'm nearly 25, with an education from BCIT and over five years of relevant experience, half of which was working with medical terminology and coding systems, and you're telling me that $20/hour is too much? That'd all be fine and dandy, except that they want someone with a university education too. If four+ years of full-time school doesn't net you at least $20/hour, I'm sure glad I didn't bother with uni.

"Therapist" is vague, but I doubt there's a therapist on the planet that charges less than $60/hour. Speech therapists, physiotherapists, family therapists are all going to charge at least that for their services. And since it's "therapists' reports," there's more than one to cover the cost of having someone edit their reports.

You get what you pay for.

Update: She replied. They're offering $16. Why not just say that from the beginning? I don't get it.

Brain Update

This is day 4 of Concerta, and I'm feeling... all over the map. But better. I'm definitely seeing improvements in focus and I'm feeling way less distracted. I'm also starting to discern between what's a result of dysfunction, and what's a result of bad habit. And instead of "Omg I have so many responsilibities I don't know where to start panic panic paaaaannnniiiiiiiccccc" I've been thinking "Hey, I've got stuff to do. I'll make a list and see what I can tackle."

WHO AM I???

That is so new to me. I've never been that way, and it's so refreshing to have this new clarity. I've accomplished more job-hunting each day this week than I did in all of last week.

One of the characteristics of ADD is a tendency to be argumentative, and can lead to issues with relationships, and that is me to a T. I'm still opinionated and that's never going to change, but there have already been instances where I've surrendered rather than continue arguing, for the sake of my sanity (and undoubtedly those to whom I'm surrendering are grateful too. I know I was right anyway).

There are some downfalls. If I take it too late in the day I find it difficult to sleep at night. My eyes feel like they're bulging out of my head a little bit. Sometimes I feel physically wired, as though I've had a cup of coffee. And of course, there's always the threat of dependency in the long-run.

And now that I'm feeling more aware of everything, I'm getting irritated by new things; the radio used to just be background noise, but now I'm aware of talking and commercials and I keep turning it off because it's too irritating. I've also noticed how much traffic is on our road. I swear I never used to hear cars go by. No wonder my parents complain that the road is too busy.

It's like now that my brain is quiet, I'm hearing way more than I did before.


Last week, pre-drugs, I complained that a day decided it was going to be full of anxiety and insecurity (and not for any particular reason, e.g. PMS). A friend that has been dealing with her own ADD replied and said both her and her brother have ADD, and they've found that they're more inclined to feel anxious when dehydrated. On that particular day I hadn't been drinking any water, and looking back I can definitely see a correlation. (Especially when alcohol is factored in. Hoo boy.)

So I'm taking Concerta, eating well (and staying hydrated), making regular visits to the gym, going to yoga, and doing a far better job of prioritizing my days. I'm still a long way from fixed (I've managed to forget to turn the iron off three days in a row now. Go team), but I can feel a shift for the better.

The Time I Gave Up and Got Drugs

After seeing my doctor two weeks ago and deciding to go the diagnosis-first route, I was expecting a callback within a couple of days to let me know when my psychiatrist appointment would be. Last year when I was referred to a sinus specialist I got the call for the appointment a couple of days after I saw my doc, with the appointment being a week or two after that.

I called the office back after not hearing anything for a week and was told that I won't get the appointment time and date for probably another month. Then the appointment will be for minimum one month after that, but more likely two. Apparently shrinks are in much higher demand than ear, nose & throat docs.

Three months.

That's a long time.

I've been trying a handful of things to stay focused and try to fix this feeling of never being able to accomplish anything. I've been skipping out on yoga because other things have gotten in the way, but I'm going back tonight. I've been attempting meditation, and while I can mostly/somewhat/kind of calm my brain when that's my focus, it doesn't change that I go right back to Miss Scatterbrain the second I go back to non-om life. And since I know that part of this is bad habit, I've been actively trying to align my awareness (for lack of a non-douchey way of saying that), and forcing myself to stop and think and prioritize before throwing myself at something else.

But it's not really working. I'm still feeling like I can't do anything right, or on time, or at all. Like just now, when I realized that my salmon burger was (over)done because I could smell the smoke. I'm less than ten feet from the stove. What the fuck.

Or this morning when I was happy with myself that I got up and headed straight to the gym, and even remembered to grab my waterbottle that I'd removed from my gym bag. But then I got to the gym and realized that I'd forgotten my sports bra and to eat breakfast. So in an unsupported, low-blood-sugar state I drove myself home.

I can't figure out why regular day-to-day tasks are such a challenge for me. I have trouble with things that I do every single day. I make eleven trips up and down the stairs when I'm getting ready to head out because my brain cannot think clothes-perfume-deodorant-purse-cellphone all at once, and instead thinks of one more thing each time I start putting on my shoes. I forgot to turn off the oven on Friday when I was baking, and thankfully remembered half an hour later. A neighbour had to tell me that I left the lights on in my car. Even driving's becoming difficult, and I'm finding myself way less attentive than before. I used to be better at this.

So after some internal debate, I called back to my doc's office and made an appointment for today. Which I was late for. Surprise surprise.

Sommi is a good doctor. He cares about you as a person, not just you as a patient, and he's not very pro-drugs the way some doctors are. He'll give you a referral or write you a prescription whenever you need it, but he'll recommend self-help books and specialists and neti-pots and meditation and anything else he thinks might be a better route than immediately prescribing drugs.

I went in today, and told him that while I still want to see a psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis (which he backed 100%), I think I'd like to try something in the interim. Sommi was happy with this plan, because if he prescribes something and it works, then our suspicions are confirmed. If it doesn't work, then we're back at square one with no risks or damage and one thing crossed off the list. He was also happy that it was my idea to try something, not his, because he likes it when patients make their own mind up about trying a med. (Good thing I don't have a penchant for pharmaceuticals, as that would be quite the enabling statement.)

So for the next two weeks, beginning today, I'm taking 18mg of Concerta. Sommi said he's been really happy with the results he's seen in patients to whom he's prescribed it, and would take it himself if he decided to treat the ADD that he suspects he has. Within a week I should notice a difference in focus, and after I'm to see him again to let him know if it's working or not. He's also given me a prescription for another two weeks' worth of 27mg, in case I feel like it's working a little and want to test the waters on a slightly beefier dose (and in case I can't get in to see him right away).

I don't like that this is where I'm at. I hate that this is where I'm at. I feel like I'm failing horribly, and disappointing everyone around me. But something needs to change, and while all this is still new, it already feels like this is a last resort. It's not cheap either, at $41 for 14 doses, and especially on my unemployed budget, but I need to get this sorted. I need this to be fixed. And soon.

Fingers crossed.