Sam's Giant List of Christmas Gift Ideas for Guys!

With Christmas on its way, lots of girls complain that they don't know what to get their boyfriend/significant other (or even dad or brother). I, on the other hand, always had trouble deciding between the thirty different gift ideas I had anytime Christmas or a birthday rolled around. Since I am single this year, I figured I can gift vicariously.

Warning: this is mostly for the super manly dudes. If your guy has a desk job, does yoga and reads the Economist for fun, this list probably isn't for him.

If they have a fave drink, get them a mini fridge and stock it with all the stuff to make it. (Works better if they have a fave mixed drink, like caesars. Then you can stock it with vodka, clamato juice, hot sauce, Worcestershire sauce, pickled beans/asparagus, celery salt, etc etc.) Bar accessories work too; every guy secretly wants to be a bartender. If he owns his own place and loves beer, see what it takes to get a keg installed or check into home-brew kits.

For the musician, get them music stuff (guitar picks, tab books, strings, new case, etc etc). For the aspiring musician, get them a guitar. Or keytar!

For the music listener, there are some fantastic CD box sets out there that often contain unreleased music. If he's into classic rock? Check into turntables and get him the vinyl versions of his fave albums. Search ebay for vintage band t-shirts in his size.

There are also some amazing coffee-table format autobiographies of musicians (or anyone for that matter). They're usually chock-full of glossy photos, so even the guy adverse to reading will still enjoy them.

For the sports fan, you can go with jerseys, limited edition memorabilia (signed football in a case, signed hockey stick, game-worn jersey or helmet, etc), or you can go really overboard and get them a Fathead of their favourite player. You may regret that last one though. Unless it's a Fathead of Reggie Bush omg. In fact, please get me a Reggie Bush Fathead for Christmas.

If feasible, get them awesome seats to an upcoming game.

NFL jerseys are surprisingly inexpensive. So inexpensive in fact that a few Christmases ago when I was shopping for my ex I got him two. At $100 a pop for the official pro-stitched versions, ebay was a scoop and he was stoked to get one for both of his favourite teams.

Does he snowboard and need new goggles or gloves? Or maybe a season pass? Get the two of you a weekend in Whistler with a two-day lift pass. Does he want to take up boxing? Get him a heavybag or speedbag and gloves. Rides motorcycles? See about boots, gloves, helmets or an armoured motorcycle jacket. Golfer? How about new clubs (or *a* new club, they can be pricey), glove or a golf bag.

Does he camp (or want to)? Some guys lose their shit over camping stuff. It's weird. Maybe they just all secretly want the modern world to meet its demise so they can live in the forest and sustain themselves from nature. Anywho, look into a tent, campstove, sleeping bag, cooler, lantern, flashlight, inflatable lounger with built-in cooler (party barge!), etc etc. Hunting knives are usually boner-inducing gifts, even for the non-hunter. Guys like sharp things. On that note, swords make awesome gifts too.

This is definitely for someone with a way higher budget than us average folk, but a friend of mine considered a trip to Vegas with her boyfriend so he could spend two days learning to race at the Lotus racing school. I recall it being around $1200 for two days, so it's definitely not a budget gift.

Guys love watches.

For the dapper dude, cufflinks.

One Christmas I got the ex a remote-control monster truck (the Dodge Raminator!). He spent Christmas morning doing burnouts on the styrofoam packaging. He spent the afternoon cleaning up the mess. Other ideas are remote-control planes and helicopters. The good ones are usually gas powered though, and therefore super expensive, so it will suck when he crashes it five seconds after takeoff. Maybe just get him a non-powered replica of his favourite car/bike/helicopter/plane.

For the movie/TV dude, see about box sets of his favourite flicks or shows, or even check into surround-sound speakers.

For the dude that is constantly wrenching on his truck or is restoring an old car, check into tools that he needs, toolboxes (Costco has really nice stainless ones at decent prices), or upgrading any of his worn out or cheap tools for nicer new ones. Bonus: post a hot picture of you in booty shorts wrenching on his car on the inside of the toolbox lid! If he's got a job that gets him dirty, new Carhartts are always appreciated.

I think starting this New Year the no-talking-on-your-cell-while-driving ban comes into effect. Get him a Bluetooth hands-free adapter.

Book him/the two of you a spa day. Lots of spas are really couple- and guy-friendly, with options for him that have manly titles like "sports massage." Just don't tell his friends that you're taking him to the spa for Christmas.

For the guy that loves to barbecue: apron, (A girlfriend of mine found a sweet apron for her dude, I think from Granville Island Brewery. It has an insulated beer cooler pocket and a bottle opener on a self-retracting cord!), utensils, sauces, or even a new barbecue. Also, there is tons of sports team-branded barbecue stuff out there. But I don't know this. And I totally don't own a BC Lions oven mitts & apron set.

For the wannabe chef, consider high-quality kitchen knifes and a sharpener, new pots and pans, or a wok. If he burns water? Upgrade his microwave.

If he's into it, video games or consoles (and don't forget Wii / Guitar Hero / DJ Hero / Rock Band). For the nostalgic guy, see about an original Nintendo system and Duck Hunt.

More ideas!
-foosball table
-monogrammed flask or Zippo lighter
-cologne
-electric shaver
-clothes (but stay away from boring boxers and socks)
-hats (find out his hat size and go for the fitted ones)
-iPod & iTunes gift cards
-high-quality poker chips, or ever a poker table
-concert tickets
-jewelry
-pool cue for the avid player
-leather jacket
-accessories for his stuff, like a neoprene laptop case, iPhone case, car adaptor for his iPod, DJ-quality headphones
-subscription to his favourite bike/car/music magazine
-a dog
-PVR/Tivo
-sunglasses
-photography stuff (for the beginner, a digital camera, or for the pro, new lenses)
-Swiss Army knife or Leatherman
-art from his favourite artist, or a print of a piece you know he loves

If none of this helps in your search to find the perfect gift for you guy... you're screwed. Happy shopping!

The best Lions game ever! EVER!

Earlier this season, the best Lions game ever happened. For me, anyway.

The Lions were taking on the Roughriders on Friday August 7th. For those of you that don't speak CFL, this is a pretty big rivalry. Riders fans are some of the nuttiest fans in the CFL and they invade the dome like it's their own. These games are hands down my favourite to attend.

Since I live an hour away from Vancouver, my drinking at football games is typically kept to a minimum as I have to drive. Not this night! I'd already parked my car at Nate & Nicole's that morning as they were throwing a surprise birthday party for a friend, and my plan was to Skytrain to their place post-game. Knowing I could crash there, the Booze Train left the station early. And by that I mean that I downed two 24s of Corona at work before 5pm.

Jenn, Doug and I pregame with a little dinner and a lot of drinks at Shark Club. They're handing out post-game party passes (no line, no cover) and we snag a few. Apparently the host George and the bouncer, whose name is still unknown to this day, love me, and I have no idea why.

Get to BC Place and while we're walking the concourse to our section a guy from SportsAction stops me.

SportsAction Dude: "Do you want to be Fan of the Game?"
Me: "Fuck yes I do!"

And before he can even explain what this actually involves I've snatched the field pass from him and stuck it on my jersey. Jenn and Doug head to our seats, and I head to the field with SportsAction Dude.

What does being Fan of the Game entail? During the first commercial break in the game, they interview you on the field and ask who your two picks are; one for the game that night (BC, obviously), and the other for the game the following day (Calgary vs Winnipeg, and I picked Calgary, which didn't sit well with Jenn's dad the diehard Bombers fan). This entire minute+ long interview is up on the Jumbotron and I am beyond stoked to see my drunk face stretched out to 40ft tall. Then they give you the SportsAction ticket with your picks, which is worth $20 and in my case could net me up to $45 in winnings.

Wrap up the on-field stuff, head back up to the concourse and SportsAction Dude gives me three Lions shirts, one each for me, Jenn and Doug. I grab a couple of beers and head to my seat.

So there's this douchebag that sits behind us, and I have no idea why he even comes to the games because he is beyond miserable even when we win. He starts giving me a hard time about why I got to be FOTG and he hasn't, despite him having been a season ticket holder for ten years. Uhhh... maybe it's your garbage personality? Let's see, we've got the bubbly smiley blonde rocking eyeblack and tons of Lions gear, or we have grumpy dude who looks like he might cut himself if the Lions fumble again. Who would you pick?

Regardless, knowing he's pissed off just makes it even sweeter.

Cut to halftime. I have no idea what the score is at this point, but I think we were winning, and I know I was happy. After catching a little hell from Papa Roy for picking the Stamps over the Bombers, I go to meet up with Carla. This is the first time I've met her and she's a Riders fan. Regardless, she's awesome, equally if not more drunk than I am, and I like her. I think our initial conversation involved a lot of yelling, not a lot of communicating. Also, she has a friend in tow who IS ALSO NAMED SAM ANDERSON! How great is this! I yell about how great this is.

Carla's wearing a green shirt with yellow lettering: NOT EVERYTHING IS FLAT IN SASKATCHEWAN. And since her boobs are about three times the size of mine, the lettering's stretched right out. I like her more. I think I yell about how much I love her shirt, and she yells about drinking, and then we yell about going back to our seats to watch the game. Getting more beer was probably involved. Several people high-five me as they've recognized me as Fan of the Game.

Fastforward to end of game: we won! We know a bunch of people at the game, and we all head to Shark Club. While we're walking there, even more people recognize me as Fan of the Game! If you haven't caught on yet, I love recognition. And high fives. We had four party passes from that day and three VIP passes that George the host that loves me had given to me before, so seven passes total. We've got about a dozen people to get in, and for some reason this isn't an issue. I never get in anywhere without waiting, so needless to say I am stoked. I hug George several times for being so nice to me and my friends.

We get parked at a table at the back, which I'm not happy about, because everytime I do a stroll through the bar I get more high fives. This is solved by repeatedly leaving the table to collect high fives. Turns out every person (slight exaggeration, but probably at least 30 people) at Shark Club saw me on the Jumbotron! Table at the back quickly turns from we-got-shafted to we-got-the-best-fucking-table-in-the-house when the Lions show up and fill the room next to us. Soonafter I'm getting yelled at by someone. It's Glover, and because I'm wearing his jersey he needs to come say hi. This is one more reason why I love this team: would a Canuck ever stop you because you were wearing their jersey? Doubt it.

Carla calls me, and she's trying to find Shark Club. Her friends are gone (I can't remember where to, or maybe she didn't know) and she's on her own. I go tell George to keep an eye out for her. He tells me they're full and he can't get anyone else in. I pout and call Carla back.

"Dude, they told me no more people, I dunno if you'll get in."
"No, it's ok!! They let me in because of my shirt!!"

Boobs + shirts about boobs will get you everywhere.

So the Lion that I went on a couple of dates with earlier this year is also there, and I probably should have just ignored him. Instead I attack him with a hug and lots of Ohhhhhhh my goooood it's soooooo good to see yoooooou!!s and make it so that I have no option to ignore him. And despite the fact that he was injured and didn't play the game, I still congratulate him several times on his big win. Go team.

Later, he's pestering me with texts such as "Come see me" (I had just left where he was), "Where are you" (he knew where I was) and "Why you ignoring me" (I wasn't).

So the night goes on, and from what I remember it involved more yelling, more beer, more high fives, and more taunting Riders fans. We duck out shortly after 1pm to catch the Skytrain home.

What happens next is probably the best thing that could have possibly happened to me, as I didn't even know which Skytrain line I should take to Burnaby, let alone what bus I needed to take after that to get to Cole's house. The Lion calls.

"Why'd you leave?"
"To catch the Skytrain!!"
"Where are you?"
"Waiting for the Skytrain!!"
"No, I'll drive you. Where you at?"
"The Skytrain station!! Are you sure? Because if I miss this and you don't show up I'm screwed!"
"I'm driving over there."
"Really?!"
"Yes just get in the car."

And he's still driving Paris Jackson's car. I had previously lost my shit when Paris Jackson's car was parked in my driveway. Now I'm IN Paris Jackson's car!

So in typical Sam fashion I totally lose my cool. "Ohhhhh my god I can't believe I'm in Paris Jackson's caaaaaaaar yaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" Then I remebered whose company I'm in and try to smarten up. Probably didn't work well, but A+ for effort. The Lion drops me off at Nathan & Nicole's place. Summary of the next two hours: yelling for cheeseburgers, walking to Denny's, accidentally stealing cutlery, forgetting to pay my bill (thanks Nate!) and falling asleep on Dan's shoulder in the booth at Denny's, walking back to Cole's house, passing right the fuck out.

I wake up the next day, hungover as fuck, $45 richer since my second pick was right, and with the Best Lions Game Ever! under my lionhead belt buckle.

Closet Introverts

Sam! says (4:24 PM):
and then I was saying you'd be good at it because you're personable
and Kent said that you called yourself introverted
and I laughed
Stefan says (4:24 PM):
can't i be both?
Sam! says (4:24 PM):
both?
Sam! says (4:25 PM):
as in... the opposite of introverted?
no, you can't be an introverted extrovert
Stefan says (4:25 PM):
do introverts have to be wooden and awkward?
can't we just.. get along?
Sam! says (4:26 PM):
what?
maybe I'm thinking of it wrong but I generally think of introverted as synonymous with shy
which probably isn't entire accurate but whatevs
Stefan says (4:27 PM):
damn, i should have majored in something fluffier so we would have covered this...
unless we do it in HR this term!
Sam! says (4:27 PM):
there's a work support group for introverts
I chair it
I'm a closet introvert
Stefan says (4:27 PM):
that's laughable
Stefan says (4:28 PM):
you're as introverted as mentos in diet coke
Sam! says (4:29 PM):
yeah that's not very introverted
pretty accurate analogy
Stefan says (4:29 PM):
in fact, you're like the mentos diet coke symphony those dudes in lab coats did
Sam! says (4:30 PM):
wtf there's a symphony?!
LINK PLEASE
Stefan says (4:30 PM):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKoB0MHVBvM

The Day Everything Broke. Literally Everything.

wade says:
dude
how you holding up over there?
SM says:
great!
i decided work was too much bother so i'm playing tetris

Guess!

Sam! says (3:43 PM):
guess what song I
'm lisening to
wade says (3:43 PM):
haha
Sam! says (3:43 PM):
fuck I can't spell
I'll give you some hints:
1) it's awesome
wade says (3:43 PM):
how to make a cake
always be my baby
Sam! says (3:43 PM):
2) it's the themesong from one of the greatest movies of the 90s
wade says (3:44 PM):
uh
the fact that it's awesome nixes the titanic song
Sam! says (3:44 PM):
3) the main character is also the singer
and by singer I mean rapper
wade says (3:44 PM):
hmmmm
i want to say coolio
Sam! says (3:44 PM):
no!
wade says (3:44 PM):
haha
Sam! says (3:44 PM):
way less gangsta
wade says (3:44 PM):
dddddaaaaaaaaaamnit
Sam! says (3:45 PM):
4) this movie came out on my birthday
SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER
wade says (3:45 PM):
vanilla ice and go ninja go for the teenage mutant ninja turtles was fitting until you said rapper was also main character
so
Sam! says (3:45 PM):
you are losing cool points
wade says (3:45 PM):
i'll have to go with
will smith
BAM
Sam! says (3:45 PM):
REDEEMED
wade says (3:45 PM):
men in black
Sam! says (3:45 PM):
yuppers
wade says (3:46 PM):
am i allowed to have this much fun at work?

Robert

I met Robert around November of last year. I was headed to the Starbucks in Gastown for a mid-afternoon caffeine boost when I saw him panhandling outside the store's entrance. Or rather, not panhandling, but genuinely wishing every passer-by a good day, opening the door when he could, and smiling like he hadn't a care in the world.

I waved him over.

"Hi, let me buy you a coffee!"
"Ok!"
"What would you like?"
"Anything at all sweetheart, whatever you're having, just a regular coffee."
"What size?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Cream and sugar?"
"Sure!"
"Ok, well come in with me so you can order and make it up as you like."

He pauses, cocks his head to the side, grins and then says "No, let me buy you a coffee!"

That morning, a woman gave Robert a Starbucks card with $6 on it. He told me that all day he'd been trying to buy someone, anyone, a coffee, but no one would take him up on his offer.

Who am I to refuse?

While we're in line, he introduces himself. He asks if I'm ready for Christmas, which I definitely am not, and he tells me how excited he is to see his kids at when they come to visit. If I remember correctly, he told me they live in the Yukon. He said he had three children; two from when he was married, and a third to the same mother post-divorce and after she had remarried ("We had a bottle of rum one night and one thing led to another. Her new husband doesn't like me much.")

When it's our turn, Robert proudly hands over his Starbucks card and triumphantly orders "Two grandes!" without actually specifying what the drink should be. The barista looks at me, I shrug, the barista shrugs back, and we're each handed a cup of drip coffee.

As I dump sugar into my coffee he tells me he's tired because was up all night. He didn't earn enough the previous day to afford the $10 to stay at the Backpacker's Hostel, and at that moment any of the preconceived notions I may have had immediately melted away. This wasn't a man burdened by mental illness or drug or alcohol addiction; this was simply a man who'd become accustomed to being down and out, and managed to maintain an infectiously positive outlook on life despite his less-than-ideal circumstances.

I give him the $5 cash that I have on me and tell him he's half way to having a safe night's sleep. He thanks me repeatedly and wishes me a great day.

I've seen Robert only once since then, about a week later, and he didn't put up much of a fight that time when I offered to buy him his drink. I've thought of him often though, as it's not every day a homeless guy buys you a coffee.