Brain Update

This is day 4 of Concerta, and I'm feeling... all over the map. But better. I'm definitely seeing improvements in focus and I'm feeling way less distracted. I'm also starting to discern between what's a result of dysfunction, and what's a result of bad habit. And instead of "Omg I have so many responsilibities I don't know where to start panic panic paaaaannnniiiiiiiccccc" I've been thinking "Hey, I've got stuff to do. I'll make a list and see what I can tackle."

WHO AM I???

That is so new to me. I've never been that way, and it's so refreshing to have this new clarity. I've accomplished more job-hunting each day this week than I did in all of last week.

One of the characteristics of ADD is a tendency to be argumentative, and can lead to issues with relationships, and that is me to a T. I'm still opinionated and that's never going to change, but there have already been instances where I've surrendered rather than continue arguing, for the sake of my sanity (and undoubtedly those to whom I'm surrendering are grateful too. I know I was right anyway).

There are some downfalls. If I take it too late in the day I find it difficult to sleep at night. My eyes feel like they're bulging out of my head a little bit. Sometimes I feel physically wired, as though I've had a cup of coffee. And of course, there's always the threat of dependency in the long-run.

And now that I'm feeling more aware of everything, I'm getting irritated by new things; the radio used to just be background noise, but now I'm aware of talking and commercials and I keep turning it off because it's too irritating. I've also noticed how much traffic is on our road. I swear I never used to hear cars go by. No wonder my parents complain that the road is too busy.

It's like now that my brain is quiet, I'm hearing way more than I did before.


Last week, pre-drugs, I complained that a day decided it was going to be full of anxiety and insecurity (and not for any particular reason, e.g. PMS). A friend that has been dealing with her own ADD replied and said both her and her brother have ADD, and they've found that they're more inclined to feel anxious when dehydrated. On that particular day I hadn't been drinking any water, and looking back I can definitely see a correlation. (Especially when alcohol is factored in. Hoo boy.)

So I'm taking Concerta, eating well (and staying hydrated), making regular visits to the gym, going to yoga, and doing a far better job of prioritizing my days. I'm still a long way from fixed (I've managed to forget to turn the iron off three days in a row now. Go team), but I can feel a shift for the better.

Something is Wrong With My Brain

I've long known I get easily distracted, I procrastinate too much, I rarely accomplish things on time and often don't accomplish things at all. I'm a packrat and I get overwhelmed by all the stuff and things around me.

But recently I've started to wonder if there's something more/worse going on, possibly to the tune of ADD/ADHD. While I definitely don't want to be diagnosed with a mental illness, albeit one that's common and treatable and won't make me a social outcast, I think that whatever's wrong with me has got to be more than just me being a scatterbrain and disorganized. Feeling like I can't ever accomplish anything unless it's supremely interesting has got to be more than just the result of bad habits.

So I did something horrible. I Googled the symptoms of ADD/ADHD in adults. It's like the internet wrote eighty million pages on what's happening in my brain. I got super overwhelmed reading through it because it felt like someone got in my head and looked at how fucked up it feels all the time and wrote it all down. Reading things like "inability to focus on anything repetitive or uninteresting" and "constant 'chatter' in your head" and "poor money management" and "chronic lateness" made me get all panicky and start crying. Seeing "tendency to cry easily" didn't help any.

Regular person:
-realizes responsibilities
-writes a list of things to do
-prioritizes items on list
-accomplishes items (mostly) in order

Sam
-realizes at the last second that she has things to do
-trusts her brain to remember them
-forgets 50% of things that needed to be done
-does one of the things that needed to be done
-feels supremely great about the one thing that did get done
-goes to bed with a false sense of accomplishment
-wakes up the next day panicked that nothing got accomplished and now there's even more to do than before
-goes to the gym
-decides to make a list
-has lunch
-has a nap
-makes a list
-misplaces list
-makes a new list
-leaves the house forgetting said list at home
-tries to manage without list
-fails miserably
-repeats cycle on a daily basis

As a perfect example of my dysfunctional mindset, this post (although obviously you can't see it now) was written in disjointed chunks as my brain thought of everything at once and my fingers tried to keep up.

Everything I do happens that way. I'm always forgetting laundry in the washer for days and then it smells all funky and then I have to rewash it. My oil changes are often a few thousand kilometres overdue even though I'll think of it every time I get in the car. I go to Superstore at least three times a week because I'm too impatient to wait until I have a reasonable list of things to get and I'm always forgetting some of the few things I'm specifically going for. I find it nearly impossible to sit still, and rarely finish watching movies. I miss every important play when watching sports games because I was talking or reading the menu or trying to figure out what that guy's t-shirt says, and then I'll forget to watch the instant replay. Sometimes I'm surprised that I'm even capable of driving.

If I have to be somewhere an hour away at 8 and I have to get gas and it takes me an hour to get ready, I can figure out that this means that I need to start getting ready at 5:45. At 6 I'll realize I'm already running late. At 6:15 I'll start getting ready. I'll finally leave the house at 7:30. Then I'll forget that I need gas and go the wrong direction. And because I'm cheap, I'll turn around and drive back the wrong way to where gas is cheaper. Then I'll forget which exit I need to take and have to make a detour. Then I finally show up at 9pm.

I talk too fast and I write too fast and I do things too impulsively and I lose my train of thoughts and I buy things I shouldn't and I forget to mail letters and I accidentally bought shampoo instead of conditioner and now my hair is tangly and I can't sit still and I can't turn off the radio station-like noises in my head and I forget to respond to messages and I spent an hour rolling pennies and and I have all these good intentions of getting lots of things done and I just can never seem to manage. Ever. And it's driving me crazy. And now it's driving everyone around me crazy too.

So I'm calling Dr Sommi tomorrow to get this shit figured out. It's on my list. Wish me luck.