I'm somewhere in week three of Concerta, and week 500 (or so it feels) of job hunting. Concerta's been helping a lot. I don't even know where to begin; I feel calmer and more clear-headed and far more productive. Little things aren't bothering me like they used to, and if I stay on top of taking it early (like 7am) it doesn't affect my sleep schedule.
When I last saw Sommi he confirmed that it doesn't have rollover effects, and that I can skip it on days that I don't need it. Since I don't mind being a scatterbrain when it's a weekend and it doesn't matter if I get everything done on a certain schedule (And since they're over $3/pop. That adds up fast when you're living on a dwindling savings account and EI hasn't kicked in yet.), I skipped them Saturday and Sunday of last weekend.
I also know that dependency is a threat, and the biggest issue is that things that formerly were pleasurable or exciting won't be that way sans drugs. I was at the Lions game on Sunday, and there was no shortage of cheer or excitement in this girl, so I'm fine so far. I think/hope.
But last Monday and Tuesday were horrible. I felt completely stressed out and disorganized, and it culminated with an awful night at the clinic Tuesday evening. I don't know if it was related to taking the weekend off of Concerta, but for now I'm going to stick with taking it daily for a few weeks before trying a couple days off again. I'm also on a temporary leave of sorts from the clinic for a few weeks. Two hours of volunteering shouldn't be the most stressful part of my week, and some things need to get fixed there before I return.
One of the weird things I've noticed is that I sing or hum all the time. I always sing a lot, like in the car or in the shower, and I often hum when I'm stressed. But this is like all day long every day. Did I always do this and never notice? Or is this new? I have no idea.
Job hunting... well, nothing yet. Still frustrated at the lack of responses (and interviews, and offers), but it's a tough market right now and there's nothing I can do but keep trudging on. I'm investigating a couple of different school options so that I have a backup plan if September rolls around and I still haven't found any sort of meaningful work.
I really want to be working though; I need to put this education to use. I also desperately need a new(er) car, and I need to get out of mom and dad's house and hair. While education is something worth going into debt for, I'd rather it be something I choose to do, rather than feel that I'm forced into doing it because my current education isn't netting me any gigs.
I turn 25 on Sunday. Part of me is excited because hey, birthdays are cool, and I've got an away Lions game and a Rihanna concert to keep me entertained. I keep wanting to freak out because "25" makes me think things like "boyfriend" and "moved out" and "career" and I don't have any of those things happening in my life. When I look at my friends and what they've got going on, all those things are in there and more, like marriage and dogs and car payments.
But I have to remember what I do have going on for me as 25 approaches. I've got 15 countries under my belt, six of which were on a long solo trip. While it's no doctorate, I do have a respectable education from a reputable college, and a bucketload of useful experience to go with it. I've got a good family (that loves me despite all my flaws), incredible friends that I can always depend on, and it's summertime and football season. Really? Life isn't all that bad.
Showing posts with label ADD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADD. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Brain Update
This is day 4 of Concerta, and I'm feeling... all over the map. But better. I'm definitely seeing improvements in focus and I'm feeling way less distracted. I'm also starting to discern between what's a result of dysfunction, and what's a result of bad habit. And instead of "Omg I have so many responsilibities I don't know where to start panic panic paaaaannnniiiiiiiccccc" I've been thinking "Hey, I've got stuff to do. I'll make a list and see what I can tackle."
WHO AM I???
That is so new to me. I've never been that way, and it's so refreshing to have this new clarity. I've accomplished more job-hunting each day this week than I did in all of last week.
One of the characteristics of ADD is a tendency to be argumentative, and can lead to issues with relationships, and that is me to a T. I'm still opinionated and that's never going to change, but there have already been instances where I've surrendered rather than continue arguing, for the sake of my sanity (and undoubtedly those to whom I'm surrendering are grateful too. I know I was right anyway).
There are some downfalls. If I take it too late in the day I find it difficult to sleep at night. My eyes feel like they're bulging out of my head a little bit. Sometimes I feel physically wired, as though I've had a cup of coffee. And of course, there's always the threat of dependency in the long-run.
And now that I'm feeling more aware of everything, I'm getting irritated by new things; the radio used to just be background noise, but now I'm aware of talking and commercials and I keep turning it off because it's too irritating. I've also noticed how much traffic is on our road. I swear I never used to hear cars go by. No wonder my parents complain that the road is too busy.
It's like now that my brain is quiet, I'm hearing way more than I did before.
Last week, pre-drugs, I complained that a day decided it was going to be full of anxiety and insecurity (and not for any particular reason, e.g. PMS). A friend that has been dealing with her own ADD replied and said both her and her brother have ADD, and they've found that they're more inclined to feel anxious when dehydrated. On that particular day I hadn't been drinking any water, and looking back I can definitely see a correlation. (Especially when alcohol is factored in. Hoo boy.)
So I'm taking Concerta, eating well (and staying hydrated), making regular visits to the gym, going to yoga, and doing a far better job of prioritizing my days. I'm still a long way from fixed (I've managed to forget to turn the iron off three days in a row now. Go team), but I can feel a shift for the better.
WHO AM I???
That is so new to me. I've never been that way, and it's so refreshing to have this new clarity. I've accomplished more job-hunting each day this week than I did in all of last week.
One of the characteristics of ADD is a tendency to be argumentative, and can lead to issues with relationships, and that is me to a T. I'm still opinionated and that's never going to change, but there have already been instances where I've surrendered rather than continue arguing, for the sake of my sanity (and undoubtedly those to whom I'm surrendering are grateful too. I know I was right anyway).
There are some downfalls. If I take it too late in the day I find it difficult to sleep at night. My eyes feel like they're bulging out of my head a little bit. Sometimes I feel physically wired, as though I've had a cup of coffee. And of course, there's always the threat of dependency in the long-run.
And now that I'm feeling more aware of everything, I'm getting irritated by new things; the radio used to just be background noise, but now I'm aware of talking and commercials and I keep turning it off because it's too irritating. I've also noticed how much traffic is on our road. I swear I never used to hear cars go by. No wonder my parents complain that the road is too busy.
It's like now that my brain is quiet, I'm hearing way more than I did before.
Last week, pre-drugs, I complained that a day decided it was going to be full of anxiety and insecurity (and not for any particular reason, e.g. PMS). A friend that has been dealing with her own ADD replied and said both her and her brother have ADD, and they've found that they're more inclined to feel anxious when dehydrated. On that particular day I hadn't been drinking any water, and looking back I can definitely see a correlation. (Especially when alcohol is factored in. Hoo boy.)
So I'm taking Concerta, eating well (and staying hydrated), making regular visits to the gym, going to yoga, and doing a far better job of prioritizing my days. I'm still a long way from fixed (I've managed to forget to turn the iron off three days in a row now. Go team), but I can feel a shift for the better.
Monday, June 7, 2010
The Time I Gave Up and Got Drugs
After seeing my doctor two weeks ago and deciding to go the diagnosis-first route, I was expecting a callback within a couple of days to let me know when my psychiatrist appointment would be. Last year when I was referred to a sinus specialist I got the call for the appointment a couple of days after I saw my doc, with the appointment being a week or two after that.
I called the office back after not hearing anything for a week and was told that I won't get the appointment time and date for probably another month. Then the appointment will be for minimum one month after that, but more likely two. Apparently shrinks are in much higher demand than ear, nose & throat docs.
Three months.
That's a long time.
I've been trying a handful of things to stay focused and try to fix this feeling of never being able to accomplish anything. I've been skipping out on yoga because other things have gotten in the way, but I'm going back tonight. I've been attempting meditation, and while I can mostly/somewhat/kind of calm my brain when that's my focus, it doesn't change that I go right back to Miss Scatterbrain the second I go back to non-om life. And since I know that part of this is bad habit, I've been actively trying to align my awareness (for lack of a non-douchey way of saying that), and forcing myself to stop and think and prioritize before throwing myself at something else.
But it's not really working. I'm still feeling like I can't do anything right, or on time, or at all. Like just now, when I realized that my salmon burger was (over)done because I could smell the smoke. I'm less than ten feet from the stove. What the fuck.
Or this morning when I was happy with myself that I got up and headed straight to the gym, and even remembered to grab my waterbottle that I'd removed from my gym bag. But then I got to the gym and realized that I'd forgotten my sports bra and to eat breakfast. So in an unsupported, low-blood-sugar state I drove myself home.
I can't figure out why regular day-to-day tasks are such a challenge for me. I have trouble with things that I do every single day. I make eleven trips up and down the stairs when I'm getting ready to head out because my brain cannot think clothes-perfume-deodorant-purse-cellphone all at once, and instead thinks of one more thing each time I start putting on my shoes. I forgot to turn off the oven on Friday when I was baking, and thankfully remembered half an hour later. A neighbour had to tell me that I left the lights on in my car. Even driving's becoming difficult, and I'm finding myself way less attentive than before. I used to be better at this.
So after some internal debate, I called back to my doc's office and made an appointment for today. Which I was late for. Surprise surprise.
Sommi is a good doctor. He cares about you as a person, not just you as a patient, and he's not very pro-drugs the way some doctors are. He'll give you a referral or write you a prescription whenever you need it, but he'll recommend self-help books and specialists and neti-pots and meditation and anything else he thinks might be a better route than immediately prescribing drugs.
I went in today, and told him that while I still want to see a psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis (which he backed 100%), I think I'd like to try something in the interim. Sommi was happy with this plan, because if he prescribes something and it works, then our suspicions are confirmed. If it doesn't work, then we're back at square one with no risks or damage and one thing crossed off the list. He was also happy that it was my idea to try something, not his, because he likes it when patients make their own mind up about trying a med. (Good thing I don't have a penchant for pharmaceuticals, as that would be quite the enabling statement.)
So for the next two weeks, beginning today, I'm taking 18mg of Concerta. Sommi said he's been really happy with the results he's seen in patients to whom he's prescribed it, and would take it himself if he decided to treat the ADD that he suspects he has. Within a week I should notice a difference in focus, and after I'm to see him again to let him know if it's working or not. He's also given me a prescription for another two weeks' worth of 27mg, in case I feel like it's working a little and want to test the waters on a slightly beefier dose (and in case I can't get in to see him right away).
I don't like that this is where I'm at. I hate that this is where I'm at. I feel like I'm failing horribly, and disappointing everyone around me. But something needs to change, and while all this is still new, it already feels like this is a last resort. It's not cheap either, at $41 for 14 doses, and especially on my unemployed budget, but I need to get this sorted. I need this to be fixed. And soon.
Fingers crossed.
I called the office back after not hearing anything for a week and was told that I won't get the appointment time and date for probably another month. Then the appointment will be for minimum one month after that, but more likely two. Apparently shrinks are in much higher demand than ear, nose & throat docs.
Three months.
That's a long time.
I've been trying a handful of things to stay focused and try to fix this feeling of never being able to accomplish anything. I've been skipping out on yoga because other things have gotten in the way, but I'm going back tonight. I've been attempting meditation, and while I can mostly/somewhat/kind of calm my brain when that's my focus, it doesn't change that I go right back to Miss Scatterbrain the second I go back to non-om life. And since I know that part of this is bad habit, I've been actively trying to align my awareness (for lack of a non-douchey way of saying that), and forcing myself to stop and think and prioritize before throwing myself at something else.
But it's not really working. I'm still feeling like I can't do anything right, or on time, or at all. Like just now, when I realized that my salmon burger was (over)done because I could smell the smoke. I'm less than ten feet from the stove. What the fuck.
Or this morning when I was happy with myself that I got up and headed straight to the gym, and even remembered to grab my waterbottle that I'd removed from my gym bag. But then I got to the gym and realized that I'd forgotten my sports bra and to eat breakfast. So in an unsupported, low-blood-sugar state I drove myself home.
I can't figure out why regular day-to-day tasks are such a challenge for me. I have trouble with things that I do every single day. I make eleven trips up and down the stairs when I'm getting ready to head out because my brain cannot think clothes-perfume-deodorant-purse-cellphone all at once, and instead thinks of one more thing each time I start putting on my shoes. I forgot to turn off the oven on Friday when I was baking, and thankfully remembered half an hour later. A neighbour had to tell me that I left the lights on in my car. Even driving's becoming difficult, and I'm finding myself way less attentive than before. I used to be better at this.
So after some internal debate, I called back to my doc's office and made an appointment for today. Which I was late for. Surprise surprise.
Sommi is a good doctor. He cares about you as a person, not just you as a patient, and he's not very pro-drugs the way some doctors are. He'll give you a referral or write you a prescription whenever you need it, but he'll recommend self-help books and specialists and neti-pots and meditation and anything else he thinks might be a better route than immediately prescribing drugs.
I went in today, and told him that while I still want to see a psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis (which he backed 100%), I think I'd like to try something in the interim. Sommi was happy with this plan, because if he prescribes something and it works, then our suspicions are confirmed. If it doesn't work, then we're back at square one with no risks or damage and one thing crossed off the list. He was also happy that it was my idea to try something, not his, because he likes it when patients make their own mind up about trying a med. (Good thing I don't have a penchant for pharmaceuticals, as that would be quite the enabling statement.)
So for the next two weeks, beginning today, I'm taking 18mg of Concerta. Sommi said he's been really happy with the results he's seen in patients to whom he's prescribed it, and would take it himself if he decided to treat the ADD that he suspects he has. Within a week I should notice a difference in focus, and after I'm to see him again to let him know if it's working or not. He's also given me a prescription for another two weeks' worth of 27mg, in case I feel like it's working a little and want to test the waters on a slightly beefier dose (and in case I can't get in to see him right away).
I don't like that this is where I'm at. I hate that this is where I'm at. I feel like I'm failing horribly, and disappointing everyone around me. But something needs to change, and while all this is still new, it already feels like this is a last resort. It's not cheap either, at $41 for 14 doses, and especially on my unemployed budget, but I need to get this sorted. I need this to be fixed. And soon.
Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Something is Wrong With My Brain: Part II
I went and saw Sommi today. He's been my doctor my entire life and it's awesome to have a familiar face to spill all my problems to. After he caught up on all the important stuff ("How was your trip? How's your brother? Any boyfriends?") I told him all the stuff that's going on (read: wrong) in my brain and that I think it might be something bigger than just me being bad at being good at things.
He thinks it might be ADD/ADHD too, and was surprised at how I hadn't addressed it sooner. He was also super great about making me not feel like a creature made of broken parts (Does your doctor hug you? I bet he doesn't. Dr Sommi is awesome.), because apparently a lot of people have undiagnosed and untreated ADD/ADHD.
There are three routes to go:
1. Treat it yourself, like with a self-help book.
Two Christmases ago my mom gave me the Idiot's Guide to Organizing Your Life. For my birthday last July she gave me the Smart Cookies' Guide to Making More Dough and Getting Out of Debt. Despite all my good intentions, and despite piling them on top of all the other books so I see them on a near daily basis, do you think I've read even a chapter of either? No, of course not. So I don't think a book full of self-motivated exercises is the way to go. Not right now, anyway.
2. Get some drugs.
Sommi wasn't opposed to giving me a trial prescription for something to try to help me with my concentration issue, and I have a feeling meds are probably going to come into play at some point, but as always I'll leave them as a last resort. I also know that some of the common ADD meds out there (e.g.: Adderall) are super highly addictive. And while I don't have a super-addictive personality (chocolate and internet and lipgloss, but not much else really) and I don't use recreational drugs, I'm still sketched out about anything that's been labeled as a narcotic in some countries.
3. Get a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist, and go from there.
I chose this route. Even though ADD is common and it sounds like I probably have it to some degree, I don't want to start treating something until I know for sure I have it. And as Sommi mentioned, it could always be something else. Maybe I'm completely batshit crazy! I'm sure some of my exes would vouch for that.
So in the next couple of days I'll be told when my appointment with a psychiatrist is (hopefully it's days or weeks and not months), and we go from there.
I just want to be normal!
He thinks it might be ADD/ADHD too, and was surprised at how I hadn't addressed it sooner. He was also super great about making me not feel like a creature made of broken parts (Does your doctor hug you? I bet he doesn't. Dr Sommi is awesome.), because apparently a lot of people have undiagnosed and untreated ADD/ADHD.
There are three routes to go:
1. Treat it yourself, like with a self-help book.
Two Christmases ago my mom gave me the Idiot's Guide to Organizing Your Life. For my birthday last July she gave me the Smart Cookies' Guide to Making More Dough and Getting Out of Debt. Despite all my good intentions, and despite piling them on top of all the other books so I see them on a near daily basis, do you think I've read even a chapter of either? No, of course not. So I don't think a book full of self-motivated exercises is the way to go. Not right now, anyway.
2. Get some drugs.
Sommi wasn't opposed to giving me a trial prescription for something to try to help me with my concentration issue, and I have a feeling meds are probably going to come into play at some point, but as always I'll leave them as a last resort. I also know that some of the common ADD meds out there (e.g.: Adderall) are super highly addictive. And while I don't have a super-addictive personality (chocolate and internet and lipgloss, but not much else really) and I don't use recreational drugs, I'm still sketched out about anything that's been labeled as a narcotic in some countries.
3. Get a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist, and go from there.
I chose this route. Even though ADD is common and it sounds like I probably have it to some degree, I don't want to start treating something until I know for sure I have it. And as Sommi mentioned, it could always be something else. Maybe I'm completely batshit crazy! I'm sure some of my exes would vouch for that.
So in the next couple of days I'll be told when my appointment with a psychiatrist is (hopefully it's days or weeks and not months), and we go from there.
I just want to be normal!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Something is Wrong With My Brain
I've long known I get easily distracted, I procrastinate too much, I rarely accomplish things on time and often don't accomplish things at all. I'm a packrat and I get overwhelmed by all the stuff and things around me.
But recently I've started to wonder if there's something more/worse going on, possibly to the tune of ADD/ADHD. While I definitely don't want to be diagnosed with a mental illness, albeit one that's common and treatable and won't make me a social outcast, I think that whatever's wrong with me has got to be more than just me being a scatterbrain and disorganized. Feeling like I can't ever accomplish anything unless it's supremely interesting has got to be more than just the result of bad habits.
So I did something horrible. I Googled the symptoms of ADD/ADHD in adults. It's like the internet wrote eighty million pages on what's happening in my brain. I got super overwhelmed reading through it because it felt like someone got in my head and looked at how fucked up it feels all the time and wrote it all down. Reading things like "inability to focus on anything repetitive or uninteresting" and "constant 'chatter' in your head" and "poor money management" and "chronic lateness" made me get all panicky and start crying. Seeing "tendency to cry easily" didn't help any.
Regular person:
-realizes responsibilities
-writes a list of things to do
-prioritizes items on list
-accomplishes items (mostly) in order
Sam
-realizes at the last second that she has things to do
-trusts her brain to remember them
-forgets 50% of things that needed to be done
-does one of the things that needed to be done
-feels supremely great about the one thing that did get done
-goes to bed with a false sense of accomplishment
-wakes up the next day panicked that nothing got accomplished and now there's even more to do than before
-goes to the gym
-decides to make a list
-has lunch
-has a nap
-makes a list
-misplaces list
-makes a new list
-leaves the house forgetting said list at home
-tries to manage without list
-fails miserably
-repeats cycle on a daily basis
As a perfect example of my dysfunctional mindset, this post (although obviously you can't see it now) was written in disjointed chunks as my brain thought of everything at once and my fingers tried to keep up.
Everything I do happens that way. I'm always forgetting laundry in the washer for days and then it smells all funky and then I have to rewash it. My oil changes are often a few thousand kilometres overdue even though I'll think of it every time I get in the car. I go to Superstore at least three times a week because I'm too impatient to wait until I have a reasonable list of things to get and I'm always forgetting some of the few things I'm specifically going for. I find it nearly impossible to sit still, and rarely finish watching movies. I miss every important play when watching sports games because I was talking or reading the menu or trying to figure out what that guy's t-shirt says, and then I'll forget to watch the instant replay. Sometimes I'm surprised that I'm even capable of driving.
If I have to be somewhere an hour away at 8 and I have to get gas and it takes me an hour to get ready, I can figure out that this means that I need to start getting ready at 5:45. At 6 I'll realize I'm already running late. At 6:15 I'll start getting ready. I'll finally leave the house at 7:30. Then I'll forget that I need gas and go the wrong direction. And because I'm cheap, I'll turn around and drive back the wrong way to where gas is cheaper. Then I'll forget which exit I need to take and have to make a detour. Then I finally show up at 9pm.
I talk too fast and I write too fast and I do things too impulsively and I lose my train of thoughts and I buy things I shouldn't and I forget to mail letters and I accidentally bought shampoo instead of conditioner and now my hair is tangly and I can't sit still and I can't turn off the radio station-like noises in my head and I forget to respond to messages and I spent an hour rolling pennies and and I have all these good intentions of getting lots of things done and I just can never seem to manage. Ever. And it's driving me crazy. And now it's driving everyone around me crazy too.
So I'm calling Dr Sommi tomorrow to get this shit figured out. It's on my list. Wish me luck.
But recently I've started to wonder if there's something more/worse going on, possibly to the tune of ADD/ADHD. While I definitely don't want to be diagnosed with a mental illness, albeit one that's common and treatable and won't make me a social outcast, I think that whatever's wrong with me has got to be more than just me being a scatterbrain and disorganized. Feeling like I can't ever accomplish anything unless it's supremely interesting has got to be more than just the result of bad habits.
So I did something horrible. I Googled the symptoms of ADD/ADHD in adults. It's like the internet wrote eighty million pages on what's happening in my brain. I got super overwhelmed reading through it because it felt like someone got in my head and looked at how fucked up it feels all the time and wrote it all down. Reading things like "inability to focus on anything repetitive or uninteresting" and "constant 'chatter' in your head" and "poor money management" and "chronic lateness" made me get all panicky and start crying. Seeing "tendency to cry easily" didn't help any.
Regular person:
-realizes responsibilities
-writes a list of things to do
-prioritizes items on list
-accomplishes items (mostly) in order
Sam
-realizes at the last second that she has things to do
-trusts her brain to remember them
-forgets 50% of things that needed to be done
-does one of the things that needed to be done
-feels supremely great about the one thing that did get done
-goes to bed with a false sense of accomplishment
-wakes up the next day panicked that nothing got accomplished and now there's even more to do than before
-goes to the gym
-decides to make a list
-has lunch
-has a nap
-makes a list
-misplaces list
-makes a new list
-leaves the house forgetting said list at home
-tries to manage without list
-fails miserably
-repeats cycle on a daily basis
As a perfect example of my dysfunctional mindset, this post (although obviously you can't see it now) was written in disjointed chunks as my brain thought of everything at once and my fingers tried to keep up.
Everything I do happens that way. I'm always forgetting laundry in the washer for days and then it smells all funky and then I have to rewash it. My oil changes are often a few thousand kilometres overdue even though I'll think of it every time I get in the car. I go to Superstore at least three times a week because I'm too impatient to wait until I have a reasonable list of things to get and I'm always forgetting some of the few things I'm specifically going for. I find it nearly impossible to sit still, and rarely finish watching movies. I miss every important play when watching sports games because I was talking or reading the menu or trying to figure out what that guy's t-shirt says, and then I'll forget to watch the instant replay. Sometimes I'm surprised that I'm even capable of driving.
If I have to be somewhere an hour away at 8 and I have to get gas and it takes me an hour to get ready, I can figure out that this means that I need to start getting ready at 5:45. At 6 I'll realize I'm already running late. At 6:15 I'll start getting ready. I'll finally leave the house at 7:30. Then I'll forget that I need gas and go the wrong direction. And because I'm cheap, I'll turn around and drive back the wrong way to where gas is cheaper. Then I'll forget which exit I need to take and have to make a detour. Then I finally show up at 9pm.
I talk too fast and I write too fast and I do things too impulsively and I lose my train of thoughts and I buy things I shouldn't and I forget to mail letters and I accidentally bought shampoo instead of conditioner and now my hair is tangly and I can't sit still and I can't turn off the radio station-like noises in my head and I forget to respond to messages and I spent an hour rolling pennies and and I have all these good intentions of getting lots of things done and I just can never seem to manage. Ever. And it's driving me crazy. And now it's driving everyone around me crazy too.
So I'm calling Dr Sommi tomorrow to get this shit figured out. It's on my list. Wish me luck.
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