Brain Update

This is day 4 of Concerta, and I'm feeling... all over the map. But better. I'm definitely seeing improvements in focus and I'm feeling way less distracted. I'm also starting to discern between what's a result of dysfunction, and what's a result of bad habit. And instead of "Omg I have so many responsilibities I don't know where to start panic panic paaaaannnniiiiiiiccccc" I've been thinking "Hey, I've got stuff to do. I'll make a list and see what I can tackle."

WHO AM I???

That is so new to me. I've never been that way, and it's so refreshing to have this new clarity. I've accomplished more job-hunting each day this week than I did in all of last week.

One of the characteristics of ADD is a tendency to be argumentative, and can lead to issues with relationships, and that is me to a T. I'm still opinionated and that's never going to change, but there have already been instances where I've surrendered rather than continue arguing, for the sake of my sanity (and undoubtedly those to whom I'm surrendering are grateful too. I know I was right anyway).

There are some downfalls. If I take it too late in the day I find it difficult to sleep at night. My eyes feel like they're bulging out of my head a little bit. Sometimes I feel physically wired, as though I've had a cup of coffee. And of course, there's always the threat of dependency in the long-run.

And now that I'm feeling more aware of everything, I'm getting irritated by new things; the radio used to just be background noise, but now I'm aware of talking and commercials and I keep turning it off because it's too irritating. I've also noticed how much traffic is on our road. I swear I never used to hear cars go by. No wonder my parents complain that the road is too busy.

It's like now that my brain is quiet, I'm hearing way more than I did before.


Last week, pre-drugs, I complained that a day decided it was going to be full of anxiety and insecurity (and not for any particular reason, e.g. PMS). A friend that has been dealing with her own ADD replied and said both her and her brother have ADD, and they've found that they're more inclined to feel anxious when dehydrated. On that particular day I hadn't been drinking any water, and looking back I can definitely see a correlation. (Especially when alcohol is factored in. Hoo boy.)

So I'm taking Concerta, eating well (and staying hydrated), making regular visits to the gym, going to yoga, and doing a far better job of prioritizing my days. I'm still a long way from fixed (I've managed to forget to turn the iron off three days in a row now. Go team), but I can feel a shift for the better.

Something is Wrong With My Brain: Part II

I went and saw Sommi today. He's been my doctor my entire life and it's awesome to have a familiar face to spill all my problems to. After he caught up on all the important stuff ("How was your trip? How's your brother? Any boyfriends?") I told him all the stuff that's going on (read: wrong) in my brain and that I think it might be something bigger than just me being bad at being good at things.

He thinks it might be ADD/ADHD too, and was surprised at how I hadn't addressed it sooner. He was also super great about making me not feel like a creature made of broken parts (Does your doctor hug you? I bet he doesn't. Dr Sommi is awesome.), because apparently a lot of people have undiagnosed and untreated ADD/ADHD.

There are three routes to go:

1. Treat it yourself, like with a self-help book.

Two Christmases ago my mom gave me the Idiot's Guide to Organizing Your Life. For my birthday last July she gave me the Smart Cookies' Guide to Making More Dough and Getting Out of Debt. Despite all my good intentions, and despite piling them on top of all the other books so I see them on a near daily basis, do you think I've read even a chapter of either? No, of course not. So I don't think a book full of self-motivated exercises is the way to go. Not right now, anyway.

2. Get some drugs.

Sommi wasn't opposed to giving me a trial prescription for something to try to help me with my concentration issue, and I have a feeling meds are probably going to come into play at some point, but as always I'll leave them as a last resort. I also know that some of the common ADD meds out there (e.g.: Adderall) are super highly addictive. And while I don't have a super-addictive personality (chocolate and internet and lipgloss, but not much else really) and I don't use recreational drugs, I'm still sketched out about anything that's been labeled as a narcotic in some countries.

3. Get a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist, and go from there.

I chose this route. Even though ADD is common and it sounds like I probably have it to some degree, I don't want to start treating something until I know for sure I have it. And as Sommi mentioned, it could always be something else. Maybe I'm completely batshit crazy! I'm sure some of my exes would vouch for that.

So in the next couple of days I'll be told when my appointment with a psychiatrist is (hopefully it's days or weeks and not months), and we go from there.

I just want to be normal!